Dealing with Unorthodox Grief

I knew I wasn’t normal, I knew it is easy for me to live this crazy wild world because I like different and want to be different.

When my father died last May, I felt angst and sorrow all at the same time. I was filled with deep regrets, an awful lot of it. Why have we only talked about forgiveness just once, and never talked about it again after him deciding to break our hearts once more by making a decision of not going back home. Why I have cared for a colleague accompanying him in figuring out what his illness was (RO TB Pneumocotis or Lymphoma) while all the while my very dad is already having the signs and symptoms of an impending fatal heart attack. Why I was so cold in our last moments together, why I only talked about applying as Nurse in PNP and never going into details why I would want to go back practicing the Profession again. Why did you preferred to live an unhappy life without us, why did you ever believed you were loved by you mistress. Why you have broken our hearts, and allowed us to live our own lives without you in it. Why you never cared attending the College graduation of my brothers- an engineer and lawyer to be. Why I have nor forgive you totally keeping my a shallow understanding of forgiveness  “How-can-I-forgive-Someone-who-isn’t even-sorry” Why I have missed you and never ever telling you about it.

I love you Papa. I am trying hard not to allow the anger to resurface and just deal with the normal grieving process.

And then comes another death. My Uncle Lito, eldest brother of my Mama who passed away of complications of Diabetes last July 26… He didn’t made it on his last session of dialysis. The night uncle died, I took an overtime at work and when I got home Ma told me these words “Nurse ka baga, look after your Uncle Lito he’s at the hospital right now” but overlooked the words and hadn’t went at Mother Seton Hospital which is only less than 2 kilometers away. How stupid it is for me to think the Visiting Hours from which i will not only be “visiting” in the first place. How silly of me to ignore the feeling of going to my Uncl that night, and rather spent minutes or hours polishing my motorcycle. How stupid of me to ignore the bizarre calls and signs of impending death of a loved one. My Uncle Lito is the one I talked about my political views and how I changed from being Nationalistic and “Pro-Duterte” to someone who doesn’t care any more because I realized too late I cast the wrong vote; That I must stop working in an organization that does not coincide with my values and beliefs on Truth and Life vs Deceit and Killings. He is someone who asked about what I plan of my life as a nurse and go about practicing it once more to land a job abroad just like my cousin.

My soul is crushed in tiny pieces of bit. And an escape at work does not solve the problem. In fact, it all the more burdens me that I just want to finally quit doing the current non-Nurse jobs any more. No more excuses, no more waiting time or grace period. I want to quit my job A.S.A.P.

Too many death in a span of 3 months of the same year. Add up dealing with grief from losing a favorite singer Chester Bennington of Linkin Park… his passing was unique. His absence in this world echoed from his fans all throughout ages, nationality and color. His demons took a legend that left nothing but great music and lyrics that will forever stay.

It’s true, your greatest enemy is oneself… but your very self is also your best friend. The past days I have been battling with the loneliness, regrets, pride and emptiness. I have acknowledged it and feel it, those feelings are great reminders that I am human, that feeling down and depressed, and angry is part of being human.

I hope this shall pass… I am finding the courage get off this phase of Adulting.

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14 thoughts on “Dealing with Unorthodox Grief

  1. Grabe sa emo your post Rovi =( Death of loved ones are never really easy on those they leave behind. Right now, you may be feeling low that you didn’t heed the signs that your loved ones were about to pass pero kung iisipin, why must it be just you? Are you the only one who should go care for your uncle because you’re a nurse? There are other nurses in Mother Seton na tumitingin sa patient every few minutes. Minsan too much sila mag check (but that’s a good thing). Don’t let yourself be burdened by guilt. Everyone else was also absent except for one. Don’t let anyone else, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

    1. Thanks! I just missed the chance to share myself to my Uncle during his last hours of peril. He was close to our family as he was always looking after my Mama even beyond marrying my Papa and after its failure, I forgot to mention that he was around when I was born and that Uncle Lito was the person my Mama called when she was in labor to me 3 decades back. He has instilled to me the goodness of a person he was. Sigh. I really wish I went at the hospital…

      Hey, blogging has paved way to releasing all these thoughts in my mind and the feelings I am trying to shrug off. Thank you again for encouraging me to write blog posts for… traffic? haha!

      1. There is a lesson in this, it’s that we should always listen to our gut feeling. When we feel that we need to be doing something really important or that voice inside our heads is telling us to do something, we should drop everything else and just heed its call. May times din na guilty ako when I fail to act oñ my gut feel and I regret it afterwards. Part of being human.
        And yes, initially it’s for traffic but eventually you realize it’s more than that. Bloggers are like a functional support system. I’ve met the most amazing people by blogging.

  2. Sorry to hear about that, Rovi. All I can say is that just leave it all to God. I think you are emotionally tired right now, so let me give you this bible verse, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. Just surrender it all to Him. The Lord is always with you.

    1. Thank you! Pain forces us to grow… what made it painful is that the lesson of forgiveness came a lot too late. God always has His special way to make us learn LOVE on most explicit of ways such as life death sin and forgiveness.

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